I'm not sure I understand what you feel is 'odd' about the narration; I'm attempting to take the third-person omniscient author point of view, while not actually telling right off everything that the author knows (that's the story, after all).
I do understand perfectly what you're saying with respect to over-detailing - it's a topic of much discussion on the Baen's Bar slushpile commentary areas - but I'm not sure I agree that I'm doing it here. All I've done, really, is described the difference between the 'library mode' and the 'office mode' of the room. As far as the reference to the 'electric', the line isn't necessarily meant to emphasize that the vehicle in question is electric, just that Corribant is identifying one of several vehicles that he owns/has use of. For a different trip, he might have instructed the majordomo to have the 'aircar' or the 'grav' readied, with or without a driver. The overall idea is that in this scene, we are to learn that Corribant is wealthy, and has a past that his majordomo neither knows about nor can learn about unless Corribant chooses to reveal it.
In any case, if you have suggestions of how to correct the deficiencies you perceive, I'm certainly willing to listen and explore them.
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Date: 2006-08-14 06:29 pm (UTC)I do understand perfectly what you're saying with respect to over-detailing - it's a topic of much discussion on the Baen's Bar slushpile commentary areas - but I'm not sure I agree that I'm doing it here. All I've done, really, is described the difference between the 'library mode' and the 'office mode' of the room. As far as the reference to the 'electric', the line isn't necessarily meant to emphasize that the vehicle in question is electric, just that Corribant is identifying one of several vehicles that he owns/has use of. For a different trip, he might have instructed the majordomo to have the 'aircar' or the 'grav' readied, with or without a driver. The overall idea is that in this scene, we are to learn that Corribant is wealthy, and has a past that his majordomo neither knows about nor can learn about unless Corribant chooses to reveal it.
In any case, if you have suggestions of how to correct the deficiencies you perceive, I'm certainly willing to listen and explore them.