It's pretty good, but something feels "odd" about it. The narrative "voice" feels a bit too detached or passive.
Not sure why.
Sorry I can't be more helpful.
One other tip. You are over-detailing. That is you are giving details that aren't necessary, and seem to exist slely to make a point that we aren't in the 20th century anymore.
It's fine to do that, but it needs to be more subtle. Gene Roddenberry made a point of that in the writer's guide for the original Star Trek. "A cowboy or detective doesn't sit there and explain how his gun works when he draws it."
You might see if you can reduce the details in the second paragraph. Also, is it *necessary* to say that the vehicle to be fetched is electric?
Not that you've gone overboard on the details, but it's good practice to be more subtle "show, don't tell".
no subject
Not sure why.
Sorry I can't be more helpful.
One other tip. You are over-detailing. That is you are giving details that aren't necessary, and seem to exist slely to make a point that we aren't in the 20th century anymore.
It's fine to do that, but it needs to be more subtle. Gene Roddenberry made a point of that in the writer's guide for the original Star Trek. "A cowboy or detective doesn't sit there and explain how his gun works when he draws it."
You might see if you can reduce the details in the second paragraph. Also, is it *necessary* to say that the vehicle to be fetched is electric?
Not that you've gone overboard on the details, but it's good practice to be more subtle "show, don't tell".
And yes, I'm just as guilty in my stuff :-)